Of Friendships Lost and Loves Gained
by Jason Thompson
Summary: Buffy has saved Xander's life, can she save his soul too...


Of Friendships Lost, and Loves Gained  
A Buffy the Vampire Slayer Fanfiction Story  
Author: Jason Thompson  
Pilamsega@yahoo.com  
June 22, 2000  
  
Disclaimer:Guess what I own, nadda, bubkiss, diddly squat. That's right nothing, I have no   
job, I have no money, and I have nothing worth having, except my rapier wit and devilish good   
looks.  
  
Category:Buffy/Xander  
  
Spoilers:Where the Wild Things Are…  
  
Warnings:Suicide, definitely not for Anya fans either.  
  
Summery:Buffy comes to pick Xander up for a movie, but gets more than she bargained   
for…  
  
Rating:R  
  
Distribution:Ask First. I'll let you, but you NEED to ASK FIRST.  
  
Notes:Answer to the BX Guild Suicidal Challenge.  
Xander's near death experience causes Xander to slip into a suicidal depression. In the midst of   
one of his suicide attempts he is found by Buffy (for the sake of the guild theme)   
Requirements:   
-Anya being anything but supportive.   
-Xander having a nightmare of his near drowning.   
-A conversation on a bridge (either as part of Xander's attempt, bonus praise if it isn't.)   
-Either mention or content of Xander's abusive parents.  
Restrictions:   
-None  
  
  
Dedication:As always, dedicated to Mary. Dedicated to Duchess and all the other B/X   
shippers.  
  
Of Friendships Lost, and Loves Gained  
  
Xander jumped out of bed and dressed rapidly as Anya mocked him. "Xander it's been a month,   
get over it."   
  
Xander cast her a disgusted look as he yanked on his pants. He picked up his jacket as he stepped   
into his shoes, he walked to the door, yanked it open and said. "I'm leaving now, I don't want   
you here if I come back."  
  
Anya looked at him in a confused manner, "Don't you mean, 'When?'"  
  
Xander looked at her coldly, "No."  
  
Anya became angry, as he walked out the door she shouted, "Fine! You go kill yourself, you   
quitter!"  
  
Xander slammed the door behind him as he walked out in the mid-May rainstorm. He couldn't   
shake the empty feeling inside that began when he nearly drown in a bathtub. Nor, could he   
shake the nightmare. Unbeknownst to any of his friends, that night at the party was not the first   
time he had been held underwater in a tub.   
  
It was his father's favorite sadistic punishment. When the belt, or a pool cue wasn't enough, his   
father would drag him up the stairs, fill the tub with cold water and dunk him under. Holding him   
under as Xander tried to hold his breath, then as his lungs would start to burn with pain and he   
neared a point when he'd gulp desperately to get oxygen, his father would yank him up only to   
dunk him under again.  
  
Now every night since the party Xander had had the same nightmare, being held under by his   
father as Willow, Buffy, Anya and Giles stood over him mocking him. Then as he burst his head   
above the water, Buffy would reach out, and push him back under. As she held him under, he'd   
always hear her say the same thing, "We should have put him under a long time ago…"  
  
It would always be then that he would wake up gasping for air. Maybe Dream-Buffy was right,   
and he should just put himself under, one less loser in the world. That was when he began to   
walk towards the bridge. The rain had suddenly turned cold, as had Xander's heart.  
  
***  
  
Buffy walked through the beginnings of a rain storm making her way to Xander's. If anyone   
could cheer her up, it would be Xander. Riley had just called from Iowa and told her he wouldn't   
be coming back to Sunnydale, that he and his High School sweetheart had gotten back together.   
Buffy was down to say the least, when she decided she needed a friend, it was surprising to her   
that her first thought was of Xander.  
  
So she had gotten dressed and walked over to Xander's, a plan already forming. She'd bribe him   
into spending the day with her, with a pizza and two tickets to see "Gladiator" on her. From there   
she was sure she and Xander would be able to help her start to feel better. Besides, it was about   
time, she had gotten things with Xander right again. She and Willow had set things right, Giles   
too, but Xander… She didn't know why she hadn't come to him sooner, she just did. Now it was   
time to turn the corner with Xander.  
  
As she neared Xander's house, she saw him leave the house, she called out after him, but he   
didn't hear her. He started walking, and Buffy trotted to catch up until she caught wind of   
Xander's body language, it was wrong. Really wrong, she decided to follow him. What could be   
hurting Xander so much? Why did she get a defeated vibe off on him?   
  
They approached the bridge and Xander stood looking out over the river at the bridge's highest   
point. She walked up slowly, not wanting to intrude on his privacy.  
  
***  
  
Xander looked down on the water, he was pretty sure that the fall would kill him. At this height   
the water would feel like brick when he hit it, and that if he didn't die from the fall, that he'd   
drown.   
  
He clenched his eyes shut, feeling a couple of tears eek out and mingle with rain already on his   
face. Surrendering to his fate, Xander climbed up onto the railing…  
  
***  
  
Buffy had watched Xander look out over the water for almost ten minutes. Then her breath   
caught in her throat and her mind reeled as Xander climbed up on the railing. Xander was about   
to jump off the bridge, he was about to kill himself. She took off in a full sprint for Xander…  
  
***  
  
Xander was about to take that final step and end everything, when he felt himself being yanked   
off the railing violently. He hit the ground hard, but was immediately gathered up. "What were   
you doing? Huh? What were you thinking?" He heard Buffy's voice as she held him tight   
against her. "You can't die Xander. You can't do that to me." He felt her chest shudder against   
him, and could hear her sob. "Don't you dare die on me… I love you, you hear me? I love   
you…"  
  
Xander tentatively wrapped his arms around Buffy, that cold empty place felt something stirring   
at her words. Still they sat on the rain soaked sidewalk, already soaked themselves. But neither   
noticed. Finally, Xander found words to say again, "I couldn't take it any more. I just couldn't   
stop hurting. I feel so empty Buffy…"  
  
He was quieted by Buffy gently stroking his back, "Shh, shh, it's okay. You and I are gonna get   
through this." Buffy pulled him to his feet and dragged him along by the hand.  
  
***  
  
Anya reached for the door when it opened up in front of her, a soaked Buffy dragged an equally   
wet Xander inside. Anya watched as Buffy pushed past her, sat Xander on the bed and packed a   
bag for him. "What happened Xander? Did you chicken out? You can't even kill yourself   
without screwing it up, can you?"  
  
Buffy cast a deadly look at Anya, "You knew? You knew what he was going to do, and you   
didn't stop him?" Anya backed away while Buffy advanced on her, "What kind of person are   
you? What does he mean to you if you don't try to stop him from killing himself?"  
  
"You're one to talk, you've ignored him for years…"  
  
"Yeah, but no more. I refuse to look away now that I see…" She flushed slightly. "How much   
he's hurting. But you knew, something was and is eating him alive, and you not only ignore it   
but belittle his pain. I think you better leave…"  
  
"Why? So you can comfort him, then take advantage of MY boyfriend? I don't think so."  
  
Buffy's face reddened with her anger, "You really better leave, before I hurt you. I'm warning   
you."  
  
Seeing the death swirling angrily in the Slayer's eyes, Anya backed towards the door and made a   
hasty exit. Buffy returned to packing Xander a bag. When she finished packing, she held out her   
hand to Xander. "You shouldn't stay here, you can sleep at my house."  
  
Xander took her hand, "Your mother?"  
  
"She won't mind, come on." She led him out the door.  
  
***  
  
After entering Buffy's house, she led Xander to the downstairs bathroom. He stood in front of   
the mirror and began to peel off his wet clothes. His jacket and shirt fell onto the floor with a   
loud wet slap against the tile. His coat and jacket were followed by his shoes, socks and belt. He   
reached into his pocket, and found the razor blade box cutter from work. He flipped open the   
blade, and took a long look at his wrists.   
  
The pain ate at him, he could end it. A sharp sting along his left wrist after turning on the shower   
and before Buffy realized that he wasn't showering, he'd be dead. The pain would be gone, he'd   
be free of his miserable excuse for a life.  
  
He walked over to the shower, and reached out towards the faucet, before pausing. Suddenly   
angered, he flung the blade against the wall and sank to the floor. The empty space was being   
filled with pain. Gasping sobs filled his ears, it took him a while to realize they were his.  
  
He found himself once again in Buffy's arms as he cried. Buffy began to rock him, while she   
cooed at him. Without noticing, Buffy had moved them upstairs and they were on her bed. Buffy   
held him while he cried himself to sleep.  
  
***  
  
Xander woke with a start, gasping for air to fill his burning lungs. He ran a hand over his face,   
feeling it slick with his sweat. Suddenly, he felt a comforting hand on his back, the hand was   
joined by a second before they slid around, embracing him and finally a cheek rested against his   
back. He suddenly remembered all that happened, the bridge, his house, the bathroom, and   
crying himself to sleep in Buffy's arms. He also remembered Buffy saying she loved him and   
couldn't lose him.  
  
That's not the type of thing that you say to a friend is it? It's not a friend who sobs openly while   
telling you that they love you, or holds you while you fall asleep, or stays in bed with you to try   
and keep the nightmares away, and it's definitely not a friend who embraces you intimately and   
comfortingly when you wake up.   
  
"Buffy?" He heard her mumble something into his back, "Why did you bring me here?"  
  
Xander felt Buffy guide him down onto his back before she nestled into his side. "Because you   
needed me to… Because I needed to be with you, and help you, and save you. Xander why   
didn't you ever tell anyone you were hurting like this?"  
  
Xander felt a single tear slide down his cheek, "I didn't think anyone cared. We've drifted apart   
this year. I had convinced myself that I was all alone, then I guess I just slipped further and   
further down into the darkness. Before I knew it, I was at the bridge." His shoulders shook with   
quiet sobs, "Why does it hurt so much Buffy? I've been that close before, but this was   
different…"  
  
Buffy stroked his chest, "Why was it different?"  
  
Xander sat quietly for a long time, crying silently. "Because I'd been there before. I've been   
held in a bathtub by someone… By my father."  
  
"Oh Xander I'm so…"  
  
Xander squeezed Buffy, "Don't, you couldn't have known. It's not your fault."  
  
Buffy moved until she was straddling Xander, as it was the only way she could make eye contact   
with him. "It is my fault that you thought you were alone. It is MY fault, that you didn't think I   
cared. It is MY fault that you couldn't come to me. But never again, you hear me, no more   
holding things in, no more quiet suffering, no more secrets. I love you too much, to let you die   
inside."   
  
Xander felt tears slide down his cheeks, he didn't know whether they were his or hers though.   
Buffy continued. "I don't love you in a 'friend' way, I don't love you in a 'brother' way, I mean I   
do love you those ways, but I love you in other ways too. And when we've gotten you through   
this, I'm going to show you how much. Does that sound like reason enough to get through this?"  
  
Xander laughed through his tears and pain, "I think so."  
  
Buffy smiled, "Good. Starting today, we're gonna get you consoling, we're gonna get Willow   
and Giles to be here for you again, and we're gonna get you out of that house. Then, when it's all   
said and done, we're gonna be together." She leaned down and gently, almost timidly brushed   
her lips against his.  
  
When she pulled away, she smiled down at him. The road ahead would be long and hard, but it   
would be worth it. Because things finally made sense, why everything clicked together all at   
once. It was because she had to appreciate what it would be to lose Xander, before she could   
appreciate what it would be to have him. Needless to say, she would prefer the latter, because if   
Xander had jumped off that bridge, the best part of her would be gone.  
  
Quite simply, she couldn't live without him anymore. But she would make sure she wouldn't   
have to anymore.  
  
Xander looked up at her, "Buffy, how was it that you were there?"  
  
Buffy laughed, "Riley dumped me, I was going to bribe you with a showing of 'Gladiator' and a   
pizza, so you could cheer me up. It didn't go as planned did it?"  
  
Xander snorted, then choked on a chuckle, "No, it didn't." He then began to laugh   
uncontrollably. Before Buffy realized it, she had started laughing too.  
  
Between laughs, Buffy said. "Poor me, Riley dumped me and you didn't comfort me at all…"  
  
Xander only laughed harder, "No, some friend I am, all wrapped up in my own problems."  
  
Buffy kept laughing, "Oh yeah, you're so selfish Xander." This only caused them to laugh   
harder. In fact they laughed so hard, that eventually Joyce came in to see what was happening. It   
was then that Buffy and Xander began the long road ahead of them. Their time would come, and   
they'd appreciate it all the more when it did.  
  
--The End--  



End file.
